To The Guy Doing My Wife

Do you ever visit the “Best of Craigslist” section of Craigslist? If not, you’re missing out on some funny stuff. Take for example the post below…

To the guy doing my wife at my house – mw4mw
Date: 2009-09-23, 2:40PM PDT

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat”, say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks. This was not written by anyone named [deleted].

I think that sounds fair, don’t you?

7 thoughts on “To The Guy Doing My Wife”

  1. This guy’s really funny, but I feel bad for him. At least he’s still taking care of the children. Shows that for him his family is important.

  2. Michael Agustin Larrain

    The same story happened to my old friend once but in a different occasion. He told me that he would always enter his house and sometimes find things in misplace. It wasn’t any of his children, they were all brought up in a good manner and were too old, almost in college, to do any of that. Just like in your story he noticed things missing like beers, or sometimes even condoms from his room. Obviously that led him to believe it was his wife was having an affair, and I remember he would always ask me what to do. No matter what he said though his wife always refused it was her, and that she was as clueless as him. Eventually arguments became fights to the point he stayed at my house for a couple of days, always complaining about the situation and ask what he had done wrong to deserve all that.
    Then one day he decided to go back home to apologize to his wife and find out what really happened when he saw one of his sons holding hands with another boy. Turns out the one having an affair was one of his eldest sons, and that’s where all the beer was going to.

  3. Michael Agustin Larrain

    Well you have to be specific with which couple ;D because of course his sons relationship was ruined, and with it his dignity and social life.

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